It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
