It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
