Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
