Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
