Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
