Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
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Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
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Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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