I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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