I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
