allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
