Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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