Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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