I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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