So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
