you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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