Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
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