Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
