I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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