i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
How external is "for external use only"?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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