pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
