apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Couch. On fire.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
