No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
