i permit you to call me
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
