Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
