Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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