mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
