pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Randomize
