Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
