he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
