dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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