I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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