i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
