Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
