Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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