I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Pants are for mortals
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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