FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
