in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Rumble strips road head = magical
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
