I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
