He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
