Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
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