The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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