I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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