We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
