Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
