This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
