I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
