guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
