I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
