my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
he just fucked me for my cheese.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
