i just wanna soil my oats bro
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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