Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
