I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
