Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
21 Of The Most Regrettable Tattoo Ideas Ever
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?