So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
