Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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