Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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