I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I wish I only lived at night.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
